I don't do doctors. They are the bearers of bad news. They poke and prod and a lot of the times they just guess. I've gone to the emergency once before. Which was a big deal. I pretty much have to think the worst is happening. Last night was the first time since then. 1:30am, I finally got fed up and went in. The problem has been happening a lot lately, but I've ignored it. But last night when I tried to play my guitar, and couldn't, I decided that was it. I can handle numbness for the most part. But not being able to function properly to play something I've been re-inspired to do, I can't deal with that. Because then I also thought, what if it gets so bad I can't pick up a pencil and draw? That would be even worse yet. Being able to create art and music is a big deal to me, its part of who I am. I went to emergency, the doctor gave me a couple ideas of what he thinks it most likely is, and the worst case scenario to keep an eye out for. He figures I have cubital tunnel syndrome, which is a nerve compression problem behind the elbow. I've read up on the symptoms, and they are pretty bang on. If it persists, surgery is necessary to release pressure on the nerve. Normally I would say, no thank you. But this option is SO much better than his worse case scenario, which is MS (multiple sclerosis). Now, I am a HUGE worrier. So first thing I did this morning when I got home at 4am, I researched MS symptoms, I found out I have a lot of those too. But now that I have read about CTS, Im going to try and ignore that he even brought up MS. TRY. He also thought when he first read my chart that they were stroke symptoms, so glad he didn't make that an option too. Had that scare the last time I went in. Another reason I don't like doctors/hospitals, my face went numb, so I was taken to emerge in Bow Island, no doctors in town, so they gave me codeine and told me to sleep it off. Stroke/Bells Palsey symptoms and they don't check me out at all. I obviously didn't have either, but it still pisses me off that they can just write people off when they aren't even the doctor.
I've just kind of rambled, but Im tired. I just hope it goes away completely, because I really want to play my guitar.

For the first time today I made a real bid on something for a great cause. I bid on Terri Clark's Telecaster guitar, anniversary edition. An incredible piece as is, and one with musical history. I surprised myself at the numbers I was bidding at. I basically would have to sell my one car to pay it off. And I was more than willing. I lost out in the last 10 seconds, and even though I am beyond bummed out, it's still amazing to know that this bidding war we had going on was increasing the amount going to Cystic Fibrosis. I hope I have another opportunity at a chance to give to great causes and the chance to hold a piece thats inspriring with that kind of history.

Whoopi Goldberg is possibly putting her habit back on! In London! Not as the diva disguised as a nun though. Apparently she is in talks to play mother superios, the role Maggie Smith played in the films. I would love to see this on The West End. But I guess it is going to Broadway in the near future. Ive always wanted to see Lion King, and Wicked, Phantom, Chicago, and more recently The Addams Family, on Broadway. But Sister Act has been one of my all-time favorite films. I swear TBS used to run it 3 times a week, and I probably watched everyone of them. So I think I need to see it. I really dont think Whoopi will be coming to Broadway with it, but I think it still would be an awesome show to see.

I thank God everyday for the people in my life. Someone I know has tragically lost someone in their life this weekend. Its so sad, and my heart, thoughts, and prayers are going out to the family. Everything that happened reminds me so much about how we lost my grandpa. I always think about him, and I always miss him. But it is in times like this where I really think about what happened. I feel the pain of when I first found out all the way in my fingertips again. Its still so confusing to me, why these things have to happen the way they do to some of the greatest people. Its not fair. I could almost just lose myself when I think about it. But then Im reminded about those in my life that Im still making memories with, and sharing laughs and experiences with, friends and family. It makes me cherish this time even more, and hold on tight to those people that mean the most. I feel like Im just having a short ramble here. I usually just bottle what Im feeling up when it comes to this. I guess since this is just so close to that day Im more emotional and need to let some sort of feeling out.

Time to Ponder

Ive been sitting around with my guitar a lot lately. Im finding that playing is a lot more relaxing than I remembered fro previous years. It clears my head from the work day. At the same time it also helps me think about other things. So Ive spend a lot of time pondering. Sometimes about nothing really. But lately it's been about what Im doing, or what Im not doing, rather. Last summer I did something just for me for the first time. And it was the greatest feeling I think Ive ever had. It was scary, but it was exciting, and turned out to be amazing. So now Im thinking I need that again. I know what I want to do, or at least Im pretty sure. It may only be for 2-4 months. But Im ok with that, its only the beginning. I will probably have to take out a good loan, and Im ok with that, or I think I am, Im not a fan of debt. The only thing Im nervous about is if I end up with a house, how do I get someone to live there and pay rent for only the 2-4 months Im gone. Hopefully I can work that out, if it comes to that. I guess the other thing that could be difficult is getting a leave from work. Which Ill just have to work my way around. Not that it will be easy.

So many things to ponder. Hoping Ill pick the right note, or strum the right chord, and I will find that Im ok with everything, and I can take this small, yet big for me, leap.

      Em                     D*    G       G*
    I want a road stretchin' out before me
    Em         D*          G   G*
    I want the radio in my ear
    Em                    D*        C   
    I want a full tank of absolution
    C       D  G
    No Fear

Drawings

It was rare that I would pick up my pencil for the longest time. But this last year I have found it in my hand a lot more. Its consuming quite a bit of my time, but I dont mind. Its an escape. Even if Im just doodling not much of anything, it helps get my mind of work, or anything stressful thats happening. I think the main reason, or the inspiration, behind why I started again is probably because of Southern Gothic. SGP, and the friends I have made through SGP, have inspired me on so many different levels. My aunt has also been very encouraging. The only thing she wants for Christmas is a 'coffee table' book with sketches, paintings, photos, in it. So I am really trying my hardest to give her something she will enjoy. It's hard though because I dont see my drawings/paintings/photos as being something good enough to display in a book. But it does have me trying to get some accomplished in a time frame.

Art is a really important part of my life, and Im happy that I am in to it again. Aside from drawing/painting, I picked up my guitar again. Thats been a little bit of a slower relearning process, my fingers have forgotten a lot. For now its short riffs from various songs, and a couple songs I can play along with on the chord progression. But its still fun to be able to pick or strum and make some sort of music again. Nothing makes me happier than art in all its forms. Im so glad that I have found great inspirations, and such inspiring people who share their talents.

One of the drawings I have been working on, it still needs work. But I think Im done for now.

Vancouver Olympics, not just a competition

The olympics have officially come to a close, and for the first time I am not looking at them as just a sporting event the world competes in. It used to seem like just a war without the weapons. But its felt like something completely opposite this time around. Right from the world standing behind the Georgians after the tragic loss of their luger, to the opening ceremonies and the praise on Canada from other countries for what they put on, to when the world poured out their support for Joannie as she skated after the loss of her mother. When the Canadians and US both won in womens bobsledding, Canada's gold and silver stood on the gold platform with the US's bronze medalists. They looked like friends, happy for one anothers accomplishments. Sure we rivaled on the hockey rink, but I think this Olympics is more about the world coming together to show what they can do, rather than compete. When Germany had their upset in bobsledding, I really felt for them, they were good. South Korea was disqualified in the relay, and that is so unfortunate after such a great skate. I am proud to be Canadian, and what our athletes have done is beyond inspiring. At the same time, there is so much greatness from around the globe, whose talents and achievements are just as inspiring. Amazing figure skaters and skiers from Europe that deserve to be seen, awesome snowboarders from the US and Australia deserve the same. And through the Olympics all this amazing talent and greatness can be showcased. We all cheered as one for the world, sure we may have yelled 'Go Canada' or 'Team Usa', but we were cheering for the same end result. While there are wars going on, some of the countries fighting in a war are represented at an event that is so cultural, and prideful, and unifying. With the Olympics we all have one common goal that unites us. The athletes push each other, daring one another to be great. One country has one score or time, and that pushes another to their full potential to reach above that. I wish the world could work together everyday, makes more sense than war against each other, knocking countries down.

The Olympics opened by Canada showing the world what our country has to offer, and what we are proud of. Our culture, our music, our people. It was beautiful, and very well represented. Much of it was on a serious note, and some minor glitches. I think the most amusing thing was the end of the closing ceremonies. Canada mocked itself in front of the world. Turning the opening mishap in to a joke, and bringout dancing mounties, giant beavers, and flying moose. Most people only mock themselves in front of friends, people who understand them, people they are comfortable with. I think after the 17 days of ups and downs, sharing triumphs and achievements, grieving with those who had suffered, the world became closer. And what better way to see our friends off, than a showcase of Canada's stereotypes and moose hats for all! All that was missing was the beer and cigars!